Downtown Dumbasses

Working downtown is, for the most part, a cool place to work. Especially in the spring/summer months, and even more especialier during Stampede time. Just walking down Stephen Ave during the noon hour, you can detect its vibrant atmosphere. Little stands all set up, patios in full swing, downtown ladies trying to out-do one another in the "most flattering summer outfit" competition. If you work in downtown Calgary, you know what I'm talking about. Nice, eh?

But you also are going to know what I'm talking about when I tell you that there are some ultra-serious downtown dumbasses. There are days when you thankfully don't notice them. However, and most unfortunately, there are days when you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a downtown dumbass. I've taken the liberty of attempting to classify this species of downtown worker. There are many more, I think I'm close. I'm also thinking of applying for a Government grant to study the matter further.

Here's how I group them...

(1) The Elevator/C-Train Dumbass

This is the dumbass that inexplicably stands directly in front of a closed door: an elevator or C-Train door. The door opens. People that are trying to exit are immediately confronted with this dumbass who just stands there trying to figure out the complicated formula: "stand aside, let people exit, you then enter elevator/C-Train". Most of these dumbasses stand aside and yield, they realize they are dumbasses, so they try to minimize the damage.
Then there are those that just stand there and insist that people walk around them. The calculation of standing aside being far too intense. They risk soiling themselves from too much concentration on this procedure.

(2) The Sidewalk Brigade Dumbass

This dumbass is either really dumb, or has delusions that they are an NFL Linebacker, and people in their walking path will cower and make every effort to avoid their path. These dumbasses are usually found as a set, a set that walk side-by-side taking up 3 feet 6 inches on a four foot wide sidewalk. Life is a great big game of "Red Rover" for these dumbasses. Who are they to move over? They are three. You are but one!
Usually, you can get away with turning slightly, and at the last second say a polite "excuse me", then pop 'em one shoulder-to-shoulder with your forward shoulder. This way they look a little silly for not getting out of the way, but sometimes they are just to mentally disadvantaged to realize what's going on.

(3) Smoker Dumbass

Predators of the African Savannah will stalk their prey while being down wind. Should the wind change direction, the predator's scent may waft the way of the way of the Impala, Wildebeest, whatever. They will flee. The hunt is over. No food. Keep in mind, these are ANIMALS that have these wind fundamentals mastered. ANIMALS!
The smoker dumbass will stand at a bus stop right in close amongst the Transit patrons. If they do stand at a distance, they almost always ignore the basic principles of how air travels via this concept called "wind". Sure enough, they are at a distance, but their foul stench they call "smoke" that they enjoy sucking into their blackened lungs flows right in the face of the others. But then again, their habit is more important than your comfort.
Sometimes I wish a huge, fat, greasy, slob will walk by one of these dumbasses and let go a vicious fart that wafts right in the dumbasses face. There! Payback!

(4) Whistler Dumbass

Sometimes there are places where silence is a given. Browsing for books in a bookstore, in the men's washroom, you know the place. Whistler dumbass knows not this societal norm. Silence is a poison that Whistler dumbass must rescue you from. You'll be leafing through a book that maybe you'll buy, or standing/sitting there at the potty and this dumbass starts in with his rendition of some mangled tune he heard on the radio, probably the CBC, during his ride in. If he's really really annoying, he will treat you with that lame tongue-flap whistling that makes them sound like some retarded bird with a deformed beak. Yeah, whistling dumbass. You're a real Rock Star. How many times a day do women throw their undergarments at you? None? Gee, I can't imagine why!
Shut the hell up Whistler dumbass. I hope some bird takes offense and craps on your salt-and-pepper mullet.

Yes, these dumbasses are as annoying as you can get. And the worse part? There's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Should you take a dumbass to task, point out his error, then YOU look like the dumbass. This is called "dumbass deflection". The dumbasses of downtown got us! Yes, like those tiny gnats that fly around in a cloud right above your head and get in your hair, they are an annoyance that must be put up with.

Or am I wrong? Is there some anti-dumbass weapon I am not aware of? Maybe some obscure dumbass abatement plan has been thought of before? Let me know. For the love of GOD, please let me know.

My Weekend Sucked.

What an unbelievably bad weekend. I'm left shaking my head, throwing my arms into the air, a famous quote comes to mind: "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" (My God my God, why hast thou forsaken me?)

My first indication that this weekend might suck began when the Jays lost two against the Orioles, eventually they would be SWEPT. That sucks.

Then on Saturday morning, the Raptors played some good high-tempo ball against the much hated Nets, and came up short, suffering a narrow defeat. That really sucked.

Then we took in some Hitmen action on ShawTV only to see them get pounded TWICE to go down 2-0 to the Medicine Hat Tigers. This especially sucked.

Honourable mention to the Calgary Roughnecks who were beaten in the playoffs, YET AGAIN, by the Sting, ending Calgary's hope for an NLL championship.

But, by far, the biggest kick in the package was the Calgary Flames going down to the comical Detroit Red Wings. A franchise who can't even fill their own building during the first round of playoffs, clearly they are too arrogant to care about the first round. A franchise that traded to get dirtiest player in the history of the NHL, no need to mention his name. This capped my "weekendus horribilus", as the Queen might say.

What I should have done is taken Monday off and watched the entire works of Will Ferrell. His biting satire would have set me straight.

Aw crap.

Beer. You are still my friend, aren't you? At least I know YOU will never let me down.

Calgary Transit: Union Deathwatch?

Calgary Transit workers, Local 583, is making life miserable for Calgarians by using transit customers as strategic pawns in their contract conflict with the City. Admittedly, "Work To Rule" is a very effective tactic, and some unions use it well. Teachers' Unions can cancel after school activities, Postal workers can cause mail to back-up and be delivered late, and other unions can cause some inconvenience. The purpose is to demonstrate that they provide a valuable service, "Work To Rule" serves as a taster of what could come to pass if a strike were to occur.

But transit is a completely different animal. The Transit Union has to take these into account:

(1) Their pawns, transit customers, are heavily numbered with conservative-minded voters. I'm not breaking new political ground by saying that conservatives are not exactly best buddies with unions as a whole. Am I safe in saying that?

(2) They are coming dangerously close to hypocrisy: they want to be seen by the public as essential, but they don't want to be labelled an "Essential Service" by the Province. As you undoubtedly know, Unions providing an "essential service" may not strike.

(3) The pendulum of popular opinion is swinging against the Union. Want evidence? You can talk to some transit users, read the editorial section of your favourite Calgary newspaper, or do a blog search on "Calgary Transit" and see what public opinion is. Another tidbit: Ipsos-Reid recently surveyed Calgarians: 69% thought transit strikes should be banned (note that very few of the respondants were actual regular transit users).

But you seem like a good bunch of guys and gals, so I'll help you out. Here's what you do.

What you do is you push it a bit further. On Thursday, you're going to get another deal tabled. What you do is you take that deal, then you proceed straight to the media with a sad face, like your puppy was just run over, and say (write this down):

"Its a sad day for our Union. Because we have the best interest of our users at heart, we thought they've been put through enough. We feel we are forced to take this inadequate offer on behalf of Calgarians." Then after this you offer a stern warning that you won't be so kind the next time around. Don't say it quite like that, sugar it up a bit. Try to look like the good guy, because there's alot of people that want to squash your right to strike like a bug.

Trust me on this. I'm not just a transit user, but also a union member.

Idiot or Anti-Christ ?

I don't listen or watch Don Imus. This is not because of principle, but because I live in a place with no radio stations that carry his show, and I don't subscribe to MSNBC's digital channel. I learned of this Don Imus controversy through my regular podcast listening regimen. My ESPN podcast replayed the snippet, which featured Don Imus, and his sidekick, what's-his-face, talking about the Rutgers Women's championship basketball team. The sidekick mentioned that they were tough, and had tattoos, and even used the word "ho". Then Imus goes off the cuff, "They got some nappy-headed ho's, I'm going to tell you that". After this blurt, he continues talking.

Naturally, I thought to myself, "what an idiot! Who says this stuff in 2007?" I thought it was completely dim-witted and inappropriate. But then I also pondered what the reaction might be. I genuinely thought that MSNBC, and his radio people, would say "we do not share these sentiments" etc., etc.

The public reaction has been swift, ferocious, and rancorous. Last night, CNN seemed to have non-stop coverage of Imus, pausing only for the Anna Nicole Smith baby paternity announcement (the photographer is the father, by the way). I personally counted no fewer than 8 African-American pundits last night, each with their own searing attack. This fed into further commenting, equally as scathing against Imus, each seemingly trying to out-do the other. Now the basketball team is involved. It is now all out.

Here's some quick hits of what I'm hearing and reading. Try to read each one twice, and make the second reading of each quote slow and deliberate.

Essence Carson, team captain
"We were stripped of this moment (of our successful season)"
"he has stolen a moment of pure grace from us"

Mike Wilbon, my ESPN podcast host
"he is a bigot"

Rev. Jessie Jackson
"This was not a slip of lip. This was a point of view,"

Player Matee Ajavon
"I can't really say if we have come to a conclusion of whether we will accept the apology."
"I think this has scarred me for life"

Rutgers president Richard McCormick
"young women (were) unfairly attacked"

Head coach, C. Vivian Stringer,
"(This was an) attack on not only her players, but on all female athletes and women in general."

Aja Ellington, the mother of Rutgers center Kia Vaughn
"My child won't sit in his presence for an apology at all."

Rev. Al Sharpton
"We can only accept his apology if we accept his resignation" (not sure where this notion of "conditional forgiveness" is in the Bible, by the way)
"...to attack a whole group of people in the most ugly graphic terms [is] straight out racist."

Wow. This is some serious smack! Did you catch the language? I honestly don't recall this reaction with the Michael Richards or Mel Gibson rants.

Okay, back to me. I'm officially "concerned" with this reaction. Now before you go painting me as a racist, let me explain my concern. This was a reprehensible remark, inexcusable, worthy of sanction. But guess what. This will not be the last one. There will be another slip, other offensively chilling comments. Will the reaction be the same then? If the next remark is even more offensive, how do you amp up the demand for sanction? Ask for the offending person to be lashed? Beaten? Clearly you cannot. This spontaneous mob mentality that we're all sinking into is quickly appearing unbecoming, and almost insincere. Consider requesting alternate types of sanctions rather than the rubber stamp "Fire him" approach. Put Imus's feet to the fire, but do it smartly, without losing your message in the noise.

America, my advice: let there be a week of "cooling off". Let Imus meet with the ball team, let the team speak publicly. After a week, let the mainstream public have first go.

Don Imus, my advice: go to a Rutger's game next year, and make good on your "black representation on your show" promise. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

But, then again, if you take my advice, it wouldn't make for very good TV.

My second favourite CBC show cancelled. DAMN!

Well, since I am Canadian, my favourite CBC show is "Hockey Night in Canada". This is a given. But my other favourite show is "Venture", that cool little show that's been around since 1985 that follows aspiring business neophytes as they attempt to get their various businesses off the ground.

You usually could predict a typical show: some guy or gal gets an idea, then Dianne Buckner (who's surprisingly hot for someone late forties) swoops in with a camera crew. With cameras rolling, they follow these Trump-wannabees, Buckner engaging them into conversations periodically. Sometimes they subject is a real hot-head who loses it sometimes, sometimes the guy is some likable schmuck you just want to cheer for. Whatever the case, you're glued to the TV with gripping anticipation. Will the product sink or swim?

Here are my top three stories I remember:

Air Hogs - These guys were the ultimate hustlers. The product was a toy that was a solid airplane, but you could pump air into its fuselage that powered a propellor. If I remember correctly, they went to toy show after toy show, frequently getting the brush off. But then they got that one little break, a trial with a real brick & mortar store (Walmart? Can't recall). Now, if you have kids, you know how this story turns out. They now have a plethora of products from drag racers, to helicopters, to the current set of planes that you can remote control. Yes (hold on for an inspired pun), this product really "took off".

Clodhoppers - Two buddies. One of these guys had a family recipe for a snacking treat. He had the idea that this chocolate covered candy was so freaking good, he would share it with the world, and make a buck. Their story was actually smooth. If I recall correctly, they pestered WalMart and Safeway, and managed to sell some inventory. But they achieved a surprising win with Dairy Queen, who offered their product as a flavour of blizzard. Today, you cannot go through a checkout at a major grocery store without being within 25 feet of a Clodhoppers display.

Hipikat - Yes, sometimes the flops are memorable. This gal won a contest of some sort where she was granted a modest amount of venture capital, she had the mandate to come up with a winning business. Her idea was to have a website with a customized view of news offered over the web. Basically it was a poor-man's Google News. This episode proved that if you were the peppiest, most positive, valiant motivator in all of business, if your idea is crap, your ship may just sink slower.

As I write this, a tear doth trickle down my cheek in fond rememberance. When the CBC announced that Venture had been given the toss, they said it was to make room for some other offerings.

All I can say, CBC, is that Venture set the bar pretty damn high. Whatever you come up with had better have your viewers soiling themselves for fear of missing a moment of your new shows. I'll reserve a rant until I see what you have up your sleeve.

Hopefully its not another "Little Mosque on the Prairie". Good God that show sucks! But that's another blog post ....

The Top 50 Cities: some observations

I first heard of this top 50 list in the mainstream media. We all just love a good list: The Fortune 500, the Top 50 Richest People, the Top 20 Countries In Which to Live, and this one: the Top 50 Cities. Usually, Canada, and Canadian cities, fare pretty well in these types of surveys. So, naturally, our media is all over it like Rita McNeil on a baked ham. Vancouver, city of my birth, is #3 in the world for quality of life. Calgary, my home town, the city my family will bury me in, is #1 in the world for health and cleanliness, #24 for overall quality in the world.

Although we came out pretty good, I did a little digging. Here's some interesting observations...

(1) Mercer, the maker of this list, is a Human Resources firm based in the UK. This list sent ME to their website, which led me to believe that this was an ingenious method of getting their name out there. Would I know the name "Mercer HR" if not for this list?

(2) 9 of the top 10 cities have a cooler winters with snow.

(3) #3 Vancouver and #49 Seattle are just a 150 minute drive apart (ideal driving conditions)

(4) Edmonton, just 3 hours drive away, or province's capital, is not on the list.

(5) In Health and Sanitation, Calgary is #1. Japan, infamous for their obsessive cleanliness, places #9 (Katsuyama, Japan)

(6) Mercer just provides you with a summary list. For detailed info on why a particular city placed where they did, you purchase a report, pricing starts at US $560 per report per city.

(7) Danielle Bushen, from Mercer, notes that the intended audience is corporations looking to relocate offices, factories, and the like.

Generally speaking, this is clearly a marketing campaign. Would I rather live in Zurich, or Auckland? Those two places are way outside my culture-comfort zone. What about Vancouver? Been there, done that. Think I'll stay here. This report shouldn't be taken with a grain of salt, this one requires the whole shaker.