Temptation

Once in awhile, a technology device is unleashed on the public where it is received with a collective "Holy *&^% !!". I can think of the iPod Touch, the HDTV LCD, and the Aluminum iMac. Of course, with these three things, temptation was too great and I ended up buying one of each, leaving me to stammer out a lame justification to the wife:

HDTV: "Well dear, HDTV has 16 times the definition of standard TV. So when the kids watch educational programs, they will learn 16 times as much!"

iPod Touch: "Um, well sweetie, this new iPod can receive email when in a Wi-Fi hotspot. So its as if I'm closer to you when I'm away."

iMac: "I bought an iMac. You don't like it. TOUGH! Now get me a beer!"

(Note: one of the three above is based purely on fantasy, I'll leave it for the reader's dissemination)

The latest device is the iPhone. Once it was launched, it was met a Canadian outcry not seen since the "Hockey Night In Canada" theme was dropped by the CBC. There are petitions, protest sites, media stories, and reports of public uncontrollable weeping.

So, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I visited the Rogers' website and proceeded to order an iPhone, going as far as I could without actually clicking the "Purchase" button.
I began with selecting the 16GB iPhone then proceeded on to the voice and data plans, the source of the public's wailing and gnashing of teeth. I scanned the list of voice plans and took the cheapest: $35. The data plan was a no-brainer at $30 for 6GB (which is basically unlimited). This brought my monthly bill to $65. Now I click "next". I now see a "Value Pack", which I skip through, as I want the cheapest possible plan.

After the system access and 911 fees, I end up with a before tax rate of $72.45 per month.

Now I realize that the iPhone is the current reigning "it" device, the ultimate piece of consumer electronics technology. The features and daily uses of the thing are mind boggling. It is the coolest of the cool. But I have to collect my thoughts, wipe the drool from my chin, and decide is it worth it?

It is not cheap. Then again, it is not completely out of reach.

Decisions, decisions.....

iMac Gets B*tch-Slapped

The HP TouchSmart

About 10 months ago, I purchased an Apple iMac. When I unpacked it, plugged it in, and began to use it, I was so overjoyed that I soiled myself. I thought there could not possibly be anything cooler (the iMac, not soiling oneself). I thought that the iMac had carved out a niche so rock-solid that other PC makers wouldn't even bother to challenge the uber-cool iMac. I was wrong.

While watching TV one night without pants, I noticed a commercial for an "HP Touchsmart series PC". I thought it was a great idea. I went to the HP site, checked out this new machine that piqued my interest. After sniffing around to find out its specs, appearance, and price, I was very impressed. Well done, HP. Then my attention turned to my beloved iMac, which now did not look so "bleeding edge".

I wondered why it was that Apple had the iPod Touch which you had to navigate by touch, and the iPhone which you had to touch-navigate, yet Apple hadn't put two and two together and bless the iMac with touch interface?

My theory is that the iMac product team has made the unpardonable technology sin of "tech-snobbery". And now, they got caught with their pants down by the number one PC maker in the world. What's worse for iMac is that the Touchsmart is a pretty powerful machine, especially when you consider their IQ506t model. WOW!

So now I’m left with that unnerving sensation of tech-envy. But I just purchased the iMac mere months ago, how the hell do I justify a new PC to the wife?

Smarten up, Apple. You can do better than this!

Dog Whisperer: The Shocking Truth

On my morning Starbucks walk, which I periodically take with my arch-nemesis Yogi, a developer with an evil heart as black as pitch, I was trying to explain the Dog Whisperer TV show. I've been watching it a lot lately, wanting to be equipped to strike fear in my 5 month old Boston Terrier / Beagle cross. The Dog Whisperer, aka Cesar Millan, tames the fiercest of dogs while educating their owners. Its quite entertaining.

While we were discussing the show, a moment of Starbucks-induced inspiration overcame me. The whole show is actually a grand metaphor. Cesar is really trying to teach the men out there how to properly train their WIVES. His use of dogs is pure allegory. Now, to those of you who have seen the show, sit back and think a second. Do you see it now?

If not, I'm here to help.

Below are a couple articles from Cesar Millan. To help uncover the truth, I have performed a "search and replace". I have replaced "dog" with "wife" (sounds harsh when I put it that way, but let's go with it anyway, okay?). I've also replaced "his" with "her". Read below for the shocking truth ...

Article: Human Aggressive Buddy

When it comes to using corrections to rehabilitate a wife or to initiate certain proper behavior, I can’t stress enough how important precise timing is to the process.

First of all, corrections must come within a fraction of a second of the unwanted behavior. Wives are excellent "associative learners," meaning they quickly put together cause and effect when taking in new information, but they also live in the moment. If a wife pulls on the leash when you leave the house, you can’t wait to get to the street corner to correct her.

The other part of timing is to make sure your corrections are not coming too often and too quickly. If you’re doing too many corrections at once, you’re not giving the wife’s brain enough time to absorb the communication and come up with the answer. When she’s not allowed to complete the process, she can become numb to the correction and get frustrated or irritated.

Most importantly, you need to be balanced and calm-assertive at all times during the correction process. The wife needs to know that you are there to create trust and respect.

Article: Rescue Rufus 911

People often confuse insecure wives with aggressive wives. An insecure wife’s actions can be similar to an aggressive wife — growling, lunging, showing teeth — but while insecurity is a behavioral issue, aggression is the result of an issue.

Wives aren’t born aggressive; they become aggressive when insecurity, fear, anxiety, tension, or hyperactivity get out of control. With all wives that I’ve worked with, aggression is the outcome, the explosion, the manifestation of something the wife doesn’t want anymore. I’ve found that almost every wife that trained to be calm-submissive has the potential to become aggressive. That’s why I try and educate people to prevent aggression rather than have them call me in when the wife is already a “red-zone” case.

Article: Bad Hair Days

When taking your wife to the groomers, take a moment and try to see the experience through her eyes. Wives don’t know they’re going there to look good. They see beauty from the inside, not the outside. When a wife has a bad experience at the groomers, it is because she went in there fearful, anxious, and against her will.

When those emotions are present for a wife, she will associate everything that happens at the groomers as negative. We want to change that experience for the wife, so that going to the groomers becomes like going to a day spa for a human, where the wife associates the experience with relaxation, massage, and affection. If we can change the context in which a wife goes to the groomers, we can actually make it a joyful experience; an experience that a wife loves.

Changing that context begins with making sure a wife is relaxed before going to the groomers. Take your wife for a long walk before you go, and a shorter walk around the block once you get to the groomers. This will tired him out and make him more relaxed.

Of course, you need to find groomers who understand wife psychology and provide a safe environment and patient environment.Pay attention to the groomer’s techniques. If they’re trying to rush a wife through an experience she isn’t ready for, that can create tension and anxiety. It’s best to wait until the wife is in a calm-submissive state, then reward with a cookie, affection and a massage. That’s the ideal time to start grooming.

So, there you have it. The truth behind the Dog Whisperer. I know it is shocking, but I encourage you to follow Cesar's teachings as they were TRULY intended.

Is It Really Exercise?

Every workday at noon, I toddle on over to the gym to get away from my desk and work off some stress. As you may know, the formula is m + 2k + M = S, where m = married, k = kids, M = mortgage, and S = stress.

Anyway, on the way to the gym, I usually walk past various types of folks: the "domestically challenged", people wearing neck-ties, students, protesters, generally a mixed bag. But there's one type of person that bewilders me: the Power Walker. You know the type, right? They're garbed in exercise clothing, usually with sweat-band, runners, a runner's watch of some kind. They're walking briskly doing a stupid "choo-choo train" motion.

Since when did "walking" become an exercise? It seems to me that walking is a very basic human activity, it ranks up there with breathing, eating, "eliminating", and speaking. The fact that you put the word POWER in front of it, does not make it exercise. What's next? Power Breathing?

Now, I do need to make a small disclosure. I do not have a medical degree, nor have I gone to school the mandatory 6 weeks to become a physiotherapist. However, it just seems wrong that these poor people have deluded themselves into thinking that walking with their arms flailing around like an epileptic drowning victim, for 10 minutes over your noon hour will help them attain some resemblance of fitness.

I may be way off base here, but it seems to me that physical fitness should involve intense exercise: heartbeat way up there, rapid huffing and puffing, sweating up a storm. Basically, what bothers me is that various health sites, shows, and articles in the paper all trumpet this "power walking" as a solid, proven exercise.

As you know, I'm considering running for the Mayor's chair in the future. Once elected, I plan on passing a bylaw banning the practice of power walking. Any walking, where the arms have exaggerated movement, and where the walker is engaging in a pulse-checking motion, said person is to do 10 push-ups in the presence of a peace officer.

Do I have anyone's vote?

Identity Theft Paranoia

"Excellent! I now have this customer's postal code.

Now her bank account is MINE!

HA HA HA HA!"

So, I'm buying something at Winners (I'm a City worker earning slightly above minimum wage), and there's this woman paying for something just ahead of me. The clerk is friendly and greets the customer, then asks "Can I get your postal code?". The customer, focused on the contents of her purse, tersely says back, "Absolutely not, I don't give out personal information."

I thought to myself, "What the hell was Winners planning to do with her Postal Code? What evil plot were they hatching?" There was more confusion as the clerk rang through her items and said "$66.72 is your total". The customer, who had valiantly resisted Winners' probing questions into her private life, reaches into her wallet and gives the clerk a credit card. I thought to myself, "I'm glad this lady keeps the important info to herself, what harm could there possibly be in doling out credit card info, right?"

I've also purchased something at Best Buy, who take your phone number, so in case you lose your receipt you're covered. If there's a recall they'll notify you. But you still hear the blowhards out there proudly declare, "My number's unlisted", as if to suggest his social standing is one level away from knighthood.

However, my friends, this blog isn't just about whining about people, its about helping people. Here's what you do:

• Make up a phone number if you're really uncomfortable and consistently use it.
• Use a fake name if you're uneasy about giving your real one. It can even be a dorky name such as "Eric".
• Use your fake name with your real address. This will test to see if companies may have sold your info to mass-marketing firms.
• Check your credit card and bank account info online at least every other day.
• Buy a shredder and shred anything with your name on it.

Finally, lighten up! Most clerks aren't looking to pick a fight, some are actually nice people. And you're not seen as being tough when you whine about your unlisted number. And realize that some companies are actually trying to help you.

I guess it all comes down to common sense and gut feel. The clerk at Winners did not ask me for my Postal Code when it was my turn to pay. So, it was either a random survey or the clerk didn't want another uncomfortable episode.