Bus Rant (my first rant, so I was due).

You know, in a perfect world, the bus should be a pleasurable commuting experience:

• No downtown parking to pay for
• Don't worry about driving, just read a magazine, think about the day ahead, or just sit and zone out
• You're doing your part for the environment (but not to the degree of you vegetarian freaks out there)
• Chance to chat with friends that may be on the bus with you

But, as in most things in society, we are soon infested with morons. Day by day, I'm astounded that these morons can produce a fare, board a bus and negotiate their way to a seat without soiling themselves. How do they do it?

Not familiar with the bus moron phenomenon? Allow me to describe each type:

The Seat Commando: This particular type of moron thinks he's God's gift to transit. So mighty is he that he wants no part of sharing his seat so he'll stealthily place his briefcase or backpack on the seat next to him, on a packed bus! When a person says, "Excuse me, mind if I have a seat?" The Seat Commando Moron will look up with momentary confusion, as if you've just asked him to explain relativity. The confused look gives way to that pompous look of capitulation, like his highness is doing you a favour. Put your bag on your lap, moron!

The Newspaper Pteradactyl: This guy is a real winner. Here is the guy that takes the Herald, not exactly the most compact of newspapers, a magazine that he normally reads by spreading it out on his dining room table, and takes it onto a packed bus. Actually, this guy can be funny at times. He tries to do the 'fold over' technique, often times the paper kinks as it folds over and he tries to fix it. He might as well try to solve a Rubix Cube. Sometimes flyers fall out, but he's too cool to pick them up. Hey moron, no one will look down on you for reading the Sun. Why not bring your bedsheets to fold on the bus. It looks just the same, you moron!

The Reality Challenged Walrus-Woman: These obese morons are a study in psychology. This is the 600 pound moron that gets onto a packed bus, and sees a seat available. She proceeds to the seat, tusks heaving mightily as the bus bobs and weaves, she negotiates her way to the seat and presents her enormous behind. You see, she can't bend at the knees due to her girth, so she bends at the waist and attempts to get at least part of one of her ample cheeks into the seat. The poor person she's sharing the seat with can only close their eyes and pray, and also make a mental not to skip desserts forever. But all thought must be focused on breathing, that person is being squished like a bug. Hey Dumbo! Why not stand? Why is it our fault that you could be a stand in for Jabba the Hut? Why should we suffer. Just stand! Call it "excercise" (oooo, what a concept).

The Deaf iPod music blaster: Remember the above point about reading a magazine? Well iPod blasting moron won't let you. This person is so blatantly stupid, they think that earbuds are a magical mystical device: they put them in their ears and crank the tunes, but the music somehow stays pointed into their ears. Basic acoustic theory is lost on this moron. What? You mean other people can hear my blasting music from my $19.99 ear buds? Can this be? People are trying to read moron! Turn it down! If there's more than two of your kind on the bus, its like a concert hall. No one want's to hear Fiddy at 6:45 am!

So there you go. Of course there's some honourable mentions. Like the guy who steps one foot onto the bus, but instead of getting on, he wants to discuss bus logistics. "What time does the number 9 come by?" No problem, moron. I'm sure all the bus drivers have all the timetables of all 120 bus routes committed to memory. Or how about those ladies that hold riveting conversation about the merits of yesterday's Dr Phil episode, which is bad enough, but these morons speak at about 102 decibels, a deafening level for most mammals.

Yes there are more. But why do we suffer? We have to figure out a way to rise up against the morons! Do we pass a law? Resort to bus vigilanteism? Become one of them? Do us all a favour morons, drive to the C-Train, ride your bike (with or without training wheels, your choice), or hitch a ride. Just stay off the bus before someone gets killed!