Downtown Dumbasses

Working downtown is, for the most part, a cool place to work. Especially in the spring/summer months, and even more especialier during Stampede time. Just walking down Stephen Ave during the noon hour, you can detect its vibrant atmosphere. Little stands all set up, patios in full swing, downtown ladies trying to out-do one another in the "most flattering summer outfit" competition. If you work in downtown Calgary, you know what I'm talking about. Nice, eh?

But you also are going to know what I'm talking about when I tell you that there are some ultra-serious downtown dumbasses. There are days when you thankfully don't notice them. However, and most unfortunately, there are days when you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a downtown dumbass. I've taken the liberty of attempting to classify this species of downtown worker. There are many more, I think I'm close. I'm also thinking of applying for a Government grant to study the matter further.

Here's how I group them...

(1) The Elevator/C-Train Dumbass

This is the dumbass that inexplicably stands directly in front of a closed door: an elevator or C-Train door. The door opens. People that are trying to exit are immediately confronted with this dumbass who just stands there trying to figure out the complicated formula: "stand aside, let people exit, you then enter elevator/C-Train". Most of these dumbasses stand aside and yield, they realize they are dumbasses, so they try to minimize the damage.
Then there are those that just stand there and insist that people walk around them. The calculation of standing aside being far too intense. They risk soiling themselves from too much concentration on this procedure.

(2) The Sidewalk Brigade Dumbass

This dumbass is either really dumb, or has delusions that they are an NFL Linebacker, and people in their walking path will cower and make every effort to avoid their path. These dumbasses are usually found as a set, a set that walk side-by-side taking up 3 feet 6 inches on a four foot wide sidewalk. Life is a great big game of "Red Rover" for these dumbasses. Who are they to move over? They are three. You are but one!
Usually, you can get away with turning slightly, and at the last second say a polite "excuse me", then pop 'em one shoulder-to-shoulder with your forward shoulder. This way they look a little silly for not getting out of the way, but sometimes they are just to mentally disadvantaged to realize what's going on.

(3) Smoker Dumbass

Predators of the African Savannah will stalk their prey while being down wind. Should the wind change direction, the predator's scent may waft the way of the way of the Impala, Wildebeest, whatever. They will flee. The hunt is over. No food. Keep in mind, these are ANIMALS that have these wind fundamentals mastered. ANIMALS!
The smoker dumbass will stand at a bus stop right in close amongst the Transit patrons. If they do stand at a distance, they almost always ignore the basic principles of how air travels via this concept called "wind". Sure enough, they are at a distance, but their foul stench they call "smoke" that they enjoy sucking into their blackened lungs flows right in the face of the others. But then again, their habit is more important than your comfort.
Sometimes I wish a huge, fat, greasy, slob will walk by one of these dumbasses and let go a vicious fart that wafts right in the dumbasses face. There! Payback!

(4) Whistler Dumbass

Sometimes there are places where silence is a given. Browsing for books in a bookstore, in the men's washroom, you know the place. Whistler dumbass knows not this societal norm. Silence is a poison that Whistler dumbass must rescue you from. You'll be leafing through a book that maybe you'll buy, or standing/sitting there at the potty and this dumbass starts in with his rendition of some mangled tune he heard on the radio, probably the CBC, during his ride in. If he's really really annoying, he will treat you with that lame tongue-flap whistling that makes them sound like some retarded bird with a deformed beak. Yeah, whistling dumbass. You're a real Rock Star. How many times a day do women throw their undergarments at you? None? Gee, I can't imagine why!
Shut the hell up Whistler dumbass. I hope some bird takes offense and craps on your salt-and-pepper mullet.

Yes, these dumbasses are as annoying as you can get. And the worse part? There's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Should you take a dumbass to task, point out his error, then YOU look like the dumbass. This is called "dumbass deflection". The dumbasses of downtown got us! Yes, like those tiny gnats that fly around in a cloud right above your head and get in your hair, they are an annoyance that must be put up with.

Or am I wrong? Is there some anti-dumbass weapon I am not aware of? Maybe some obscure dumbass abatement plan has been thought of before? Let me know. For the love of GOD, please let me know.